Alright listen up, I’m only gonna say this once.
Networking, schmoozing, rubbing elbows with the right people – it’s all a bunch of nonsense if you ask me. But apparently, if you wanna get ahead in this world, you gotta play the game.
So here’s how you do it, the Larry David way:
First off, forget about being genuine or authentic. That ship has sailed. When you’re networking, it’s all about putting on a big fake smile and pretending to be interested in whatever boring story the other schmuck is droning on about. Nod along, throw in the occasional “uh huh” and “wow, fascinating!” Trust me, they’ll eat it up.
Now, when it comes to conversation topics, stick to the tried and true: weather, sports, and how much you hate traffic. Steer clear of anything remotely controversial or interesting – you don’t want to risk having an actual opinion. And for the love of god, DON’T try to be funny. Leave the comedy to the professionals, like Larry. Your job is to be as bland and inoffensive as possible.
Another critical networking skill is the art of the humble brag. You want to casually slip in your accomplishments and connections without coming off as a complete egomaniac. Something like “Oh, you play golf? Yeah, I recently played a round with Bill Gates. Nice guy, terrible short game though.” See? Subtle.
Look, I don’t know why you’d want to network in the first place. Seems like a big waste of time to me, schmoozing with a bunch of phonies and brown-nosers. But apparently it’s something people do, so who am I to judge? If you insist on subjecting yourself to the torture of networking, here are some tips to make it slightly less excruciating.
1. Skip the Small Talk
First tip: don’t bother with small talk. No one cares about the weather or how your day is going. Just get straight to the point – what can this person do for you and what’s in it for them? Efficiency is key.
2. Be Blunt
Second, don’t be afraid to be blunt. If someone’s annoying you or wasting your time, just walk away mid-conversation. Your time is valuable. Why suffer fools?
3. Don’t Go Hungry
Third, don’t go to networking events hungry. You’ll be cranky and irritable, and no one will want to talk to you. Eat a solid meal beforehand. Stuff yourself to the gills. But avoid anything that’ll give you gas. You don’t want to be the gassy guy at the networking event.
4. Bring Breath Mints
Fourth, bring breath mints. No one wants to talk to someone with bad breath. Pop a mint before any conversation. But be subtle about it. Don’t make a big production of taking out the mint and unwrapping it. You’ll look like an obsessive freak.
5. Lower Your Expectations
Finally, don’t expect too much. Most of the people you meet will be useless to you. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll meet one person who can help your career or introduce you to someone important. And that’s what it’s all about. Putting yourself through the agony and awkwardness of networking on the off-chance it actually pays off.
6. Dress Comfortably
Wear something comfortable. You don’t want to be fidgeting with a tight collar or itchy sweater all night. But don’t go too casual. No sweatpants or pajamas. Find a middle ground.
7. Avoid the Hors D’oeuvres
Stay away from the hors d’oeuvres. They’re always a disappointment. Tiny portions of subpar food on flimsy toothpicks. It’s not worth the effort. And you don’t want to be the guy hovering over the snack table all night.
8. Don’t Get Drunk
Don’t drink too much. A little liquid courage can help, but you don’t want to be the sloppy drunk at the event. Pace yourself. Alternate between alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. And for god’s sake, don’t do shots.
9. Have an Escape Plan
Always have an exit strategy. Know how you’re going to get out of a conversation or leave the event entirely. Fake a phone call, pretend to see someone you know, or just say you have to use the restroom. Don’t get trapped in a never-ending conversation with a windbag.
10. Follow Up (If You Must)
If you actually meet someone interesting or potentially useful, follow up with them after the event. But don’t be a stalker. A single email or LinkedIn request is sufficient. If they don’t respond, move on. They’re not interested.
11. Don’t Be a Card Shark
Don’t be one of those people who goes around collecting business cards like they’re pokemon cards. It’s tacky and desperate. Only take a card if you actually intend to follow up with the person.
12. Avoid Cliches
Don’t use cliche networking phrases like “let’s touch base” or “I’d love to pick your brain.” They’re empty and meaningless. Just speak like a normal human being.
13. Don’t Namedrop
Don’t try to impress people by name-dropping other people you know or have worked with. It’s transparent and annoying. Let your own merits speak for themselves.
14. Be Selective
You don’t have to talk to everyone at the event. Be selective. Look for people who seem interesting or relevant to your goals. Don’t waste your time with people who can’t help you.
15. Don’t Be a Wallflower
On the other hand, don’t just stand in the corner all night nursing a drink. You’re there to network, so force yourself to mingle. Approach people, join conversations, and put yourself out there.
16. Have a Prepared Spiel
Have a brief, prepared introduction of yourself and what you do. Keep it concise and interesting. Don’t ramble on about your entire life story.
17. Ask Questions
Don’t just talk about yourself the whole time. Ask people about their work and interests. Show genuine curiosity. People love talking about themselves. Use that to your advantage.
18. Find Common Ground
Try to find something in common with the people you meet, whether it’s a shared hobby, hometown, or industry. It’ll make the conversation flow more easily and create a sense of rapport.
19. Don’t Force It
If a conversation isn’t going well or feels forced, don’t try to prolong it. Politely excuse yourself and move on. Not every interaction will be a winner.
20. Take Breaks
Networking can be exhausting, especially for introverts. Take breaks throughout the event to recharge. Step outside for some fresh air, hide in the bathroom for a few minutes, or just find a quiet corner to decompress.
21. Don’t Compare Yourself
Don’t compare yourself to others at the event. Everyone is at different stages in their careers and has different goals. Focus on your own path and progress.
22. Be Yourself
Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Authenticity is key. People can sense phoniness from a mile away. Just be your genuine self, quirks and all.
23. Follow the Event Hashtag
If the event has a hashtag, follow it on Twitter or Instagram. You can see who else is there, join online conversations, and connect with people you may have missed in person.
24. Don’t Be a Leech
Don’t latch onto one person for too long, especially if they seem uninterested or are trying to escape. Know when to end a conversation and move on.
25. Practice Active Listening
When someone is talking, really listen to what they’re saying. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Show that you’re engaged by nodding, asking follow-up questions, and reflecting on what they’ve said.
26. Offer Value
Don’t just think about what others can do for you. Think about how you can help them as well. Offer your skills, knowledge, or connections if they’re relevant and useful.
27. Follow Industry News
Stay up-to-date on news and trends in your industry. It’ll give you fodder for conversations and show that you’re engaged and knowledgeable.
28. Be Positive
Don’t complain or gossip about your job, coworkers, or industry. Keep things positive and upbeat. No one wants to talk to a Negative Nancy.
29. Prepare Conversation Starters
Have a few conversation starters prepared in case you find yourself tongue-tied. Ask about people’s recent projects, upcoming travel plans, or thoughts on industry news.
30. Know When to Call it a Night
Don’t overstay your welcome. If the event is winding down or you’re just not feeling it anymore, it’s okay to leave. Say your goodbyes, exchange any final contact info, and head home.
Conclusion
So there you have it. Thirty tips for surviving the ordeal of networking.
Will they guarantee success and a thriving career?
Probably not.
But they might make the process slightly less painful. Or you could just do what I do and avoid networking altogether. Stay home, watch TV, and let your work speak for itself. But if you insist on playing the networking game, godspeed.
May the schmoozing be ever in your favor.